Is Michelle Wie Lost in the Nile?

Mark Twain once remarked, "Denial is more than just a river in Egypt." Never has this been more evident than in Michelle Wie's comments during last week's U.S. Women's Open at Pine Needles Lodge & Golf Club. After posting a shockingly hacker-ish 82 after the first-round, Wie explained, "It's just a very fine line between shooting 69 and shooting what I shot today. It's really frustrating because my scores aren't showing the way I'm playing." Say "What?"

Clearly, her over-paid sports psychologist has over-marinated the poor girl with the "stay positive" psycho-babble. Her interview responses are so forced now that it sounds absolutely regoddamndiculous. Any golfer in his right mind will tell you that the line between 13 strokes is pretty friggin' wide. I didn't watch her round at all, but from what I've read, Wie's game is in total disarray. After hitting only four fairways and four greens, how she could have possibly thought that a 69 was in the realm of possibility is beyond me. I have shot a bazillion 82s in my life and never once did I think that any of them had a shot to break 70! Like my old boss used to tell me, "you can put as much lipstick you want on pig, but it's still a pig."

All of this comes shortly after Wie exited Annika Sorenstam's Ginn Tribute under a cloud of mystery thicker than Angel Cabrera's cigarette smoke. To top it off, the little ingrate had the nerve to refuse to offer an apology to "Ms. 59" for checking out early. Like a modern-day Dorian Gray, the image of Wie in the public eye has deteriorated from the once adorable and innocent golf prodigy and into the spoiled and disrespectful golf cretin.

Is it too late to salvage Wie's once promising golf career? Of course not. But things must change drastically for the better. Her current path is a progressive train wreck and will only lead to self-destruction. Michelle needs to grow up and "find" herself far away from her helicopter parents. She needs "Team Me" instead of "Team Wie". What better place for this to happen than in college? She has already stated her intention to attend Stanfurd this fall. There she can concentrate less on the game of golf and more on the game of quarters, century club, and beer pong. Who knows, it turned out great for Long John Daly.