Unfortunately, I've noticed that the wear spots on my irons happen to be all over the face, including the hosel. Yes, the hosel. In other words, I have a bad case of the $hanks(I dare not spell out the actual word as it will certainly spread to you, the reader)! Anyone who's ever gotten the case of the $hanks, knows the misery of this affliction. Unfortunately, there is no known 100% remedy.
The $hanks hit me for the first time about 2 months ago while I was golfing in San Diego (Torrey Pines and Barona) with some friends. The trip started out great as my "A" game surfaced at the Torrey Pines South Course to produce a legit 84 from the white tees (6,885 yards) in conditions last seen in the movie, "The Perfect Storm." Torrential rain and winds actually halted our play for about an hour. After my magical round, I thanked the Golf Gods and sacrificed one of my Pro V1s to appease them.
The next day, we played Barona. I shared a cart that day with my buddy Anthony, a low single-digit handicap. Things began much like the previous day with my "A" game still intact, carrying me even par through the first two holes. I thought, "Damn, I am finally becoming a good golfer just like Anth!" The Golf Gods must have heard my over-confidence. On the 3rd hole, both me and Anth hit good drives within 10 yards of each other with about 150 yards to the pin. Anth hit first, but shockingly full on $hanked his 7-iron about 20 yards dead right! I stood there in disbelief, wondering how this could happen to such an accomplished golfer. This is a dude who once played on a college golf team. I was thinking, "If the $hanks can happen to Anth, then it could damn well happen to me" as I setup for my next shot. With that thought penetrated deep within my psyche, I also $hanked my 7-iron.
The disease seemed to spread in epidemic fashion as my buddy John exhibited preliminary symptoms on the next hole with a topped fairway wood (it would have been a $hank if fairway woods had exposed hosels). Our friend Larry noticed the rapid spread of the apparent airborne virus and kept a safe distance from all of us. Luckily, he was spared.
At the time, I thought that the $hanks would only be a brief phenomenon. You know, something that would vanish after a good night's rest. I couldn't be more wrong. Virtually every round that I have played since, I have $hanked a shot. I've tried to fix it at the range, only to $hank it with more frequency. Recently, I have nightmares where I'm on course to shoot a 58, only to $hank my approach shot on the last hole into the drink. I think I now have a pretty good idea what Finchy went through in the mid 1990s.
I've heard that President Bush is focused on the development of next generation weapons systems. Based on my experience, I recommend that Bush look at weaponizing the $hanks. It is truly a dangerous and undefeatable force. Look what it did to Darren Clarke!
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