Happy Golf Holidays and Thanks!

Well, it's that time of year again, a time when I take a break from golf bloggin' to enjoy the holiday season and play some winter rounds of golf. But since I live in sunny So. Cal., winter golf doesn't mean frigid golf. I just checked my thermometer, and it's around 70 degrees. Yes, that's one of the main reasons why I moved here from the East Coast! It won't be a White Christmas here, and I hope it never will. But before Grouchy Golf hibernates for the rest of the year, I would like to offer a much deserved "thanks" to those who support Grouchy Golf:

• First, I want to thank my friend ML for providing the impetus to start Grouchy Golf in the first place. She's a great writer chronicling the ups and downs of modern-day housewifery. If she were to ever pen a book, I'd buy it in a heartbeat.
• Thanks to my fellow golf bloggers featured in my blog roll for their support and encouragement. Please try to visit them on a regular basis.
• Thanks to the regular Grouchy Golf commenters including Dave, CB, Eric, Miranda, MediaGuru, Eat Golf's Rich, The Sand Trap's Erik, WoundedDuck, Wedgehead, JAT, Armchair Golfer, Tom G, Lord Hearteater, Evil Chasmodian, Pebbleby15, Jam Boy, GolfSLO, and Jen Mario. I read all of your comments and I appreciate each and every one (except for the spam, of course)
• Thanks to Heather at TravelGolf for the much appreciated traffic. She also earns my vote for "Golf Blog Hottie of 2005"!
• Thanks to Craig Better of Golf Magazine for the nice mention in the March 2005 issue. Until that issue, Golf Digest used to be my favorite monthly golf mag...
• Thanks to the AOL Internet Radio Show and Podcast "Sports Bloggers Live" for having me on the show a couple of times as a guest. They have a great sports show with some amazing sports guests, myself excluded!

But most of all, I want to thank you, the reader of Grouchy Golf. Without you, I'm just a golf nut writing aimlessly about random golf stuff. I wish you a Grouchy Holidays and a Grouchy New Year!

P.S. GolfDash is currently running a promo where anyone who becomes a member (Free membership) will receive a Free GolfRound towel ($7.95 value). Free is a good deal in my book!

Tiger Woods Scotty Cameron Putter, the Ultimate Golf Gift?

It's the holiday season, and gift giving will soon be in full force. IMHO, finding a gift for a golfer is a relatively easy task. I can't think of another sport that has spawned such a wide array of products at virtually every price point. As a result, it's easy to find a golf gift for every budget. But what if you were Donald Trump? What regoddamndiculously expensive gift would you buy for that special golfer in your life?

Believe it or not, there are putters out there with asking prices that eclipse that of a nicely-equipped brand-spankin' new 5-Series BMW. The owner of a local golf shop here in Los Angeles is supposedly a close personal friend of Scotty Cameron, so he has a lot of "one-of-a-kind" and signed Cameron items for sale. I was at this store recently and snapped some photos of the most highly prized item, a backup to Tiger Woods' Scotty Cameron putter!

The people at this golf shop are some of the friendliest and most knowledgeable in the business. They told me that Scotty crafts only a handful of custom putters with the exact specs for the great Tiger Woods. They even have a hand-written and signed letter from Mr. Cameron himself as confirmation. Be sure to click on the photo to zoom in and read the words written by the God of Putters himself!

The putter in this picture is an exact copy of the Newport 2 303 GSS Cameron gamer that has resided in Tiger's bag since the 1999 GTE Byron Nelson Classic. Notice the single large red dot or "cherry bomb" on each side of the putter. This is a standard Cameron practice to denote a Tour putter. It appears that there are only 4 of this exact model year in existence. It's truly a beautiful and rare piece of golf equipment.

But is this special putter really worth a luxury mid-size German sedan? I was told that a customer did pony up that kind of cash for a previous Tiger model. Remember, something is only worth what someone is willing to pay for it.

Keep in mind that this isn't even a putter that Tiger has played. It's not even the backup to the putter that he plays. It's really the backup to the backup. You can only imagine the value of Tiger's gamer. Are we talking six or even seven figures?

But this is just one of the 14 clubs that fill Tiger's bag. Steve Williams must be carrying sticks worth many times more than their weight in gold. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that Stevie lugs around a bag worth more than several million dollars on his back. I just hope he read about my post about golf club thefts.

To anyone who may be considering giving me a Tiger Woods' club as a gift this holiday: I think that I'd rather have a bimmer...

But if you are seriously interested in buying a rare Cameron putter, make sure that it has been authenticated. Obtain the registry number and enter it at the Scotty Cameron Registry to verify its authentication! If you have any more Cameron-related questions, just ask my friends over at The Cameron Collector. They are the real experts!

The Rose Bowl Parking Lot, My Home Course

The biggest game in college football history has been set. The 2006 BCS Championship Game will be played Jan. 4th at the "The Granddaddy of All Bowl Games" pitting #1 USC against #2 Texas. While the 90,000+ fans in attendance will be watching one of the most anticipated college football games of all-time, their cars will be leaking oil on my home golf course. Let me explain.

My home course, Brookside Golf Club, is adjacent to the world famous Rose Bowl. Built in 1921, the stadium's official seating capacity is 92,542. That's a lot of people, and, since it's located in must-drive Los Angeles, a lot of cars.

But there's not a lot of room around the Rose Bowl for dedicated parking. So where do you park all those darn global warming machines on wheels? You park them on the golf course, that's where! Of the 20,600 parking spaces available for events at the Rose Bowl, approximately 12,050 spaces are provided on the two golf courses of Brookside Golf Club.

Yes, anytime there's a major event at the Rose Bowl, the Brookside Golf courses undergo a dramatic transformation. Hole #18 becomes Parking Lot 1A. Ball washers and tee markers are displaced by Bimmers and Toyotas. But the real change is the people on the course. It goes from golfers who treat the course like it's a temple to drunken tailgaters who treat it like a Sigma Alpha Epsilon frat house. "We once saw people frying a turkey, and they just spilled all the oil from it on the golf course," said Noni Holt, a UCLA football season ticket holder. "We were just mad because we know it hurts the golf course, and we're mindful of that. It really is a beautiful place." But most revelers just don't give a damn. "I'm sure the course gets torn up," said Jim Guthrie, a 2003 UCLA graduate who tailgated at a UCLA home game. "But we don't care that much."

Obviously, the course is closed for golf while it works double-duty as a parking lot and tailgating wasteland. But the course never gets a rest. After moonlighting as a parking lot, a crew of over 100 cleans up the course for tee times the next morning. Yes, the next morning! As you can imagine, they can't clean up everything. If you do play the day after an event, don't be surprised to find your ball resting against unusual "loose impediments" in the form of strewn Corona bottles and Coors cans. Balls landing in a SUV tire tread or a pile of spent charcoal isn't uncommon. The golf rules for relief from standing water are sometimes applied to standing motor oil. Heck, sometimes abandoned cars are left in the middle of the fairway!

Proceeds from the $25 per car parking fees cover the money that would have been generated from greens fees. But you would think that the abuse Brookside receives as a parking lot would spell disaster for course conditions. In reality, it doesn't. Sure, it's not Augusta National, but Brookside is typically in very good condition after a tailgating binge. I applaud the entire staff of Brookside who manages to maintain the course's position as one of the top 10 public courses in Southern California year after year. Once host to the LA Open, I pray that Brookside will once again host a pro golf event so that we can all park on the Rose Bowl football field for some much needed payback!

One Funked Up Skins Game

This time of year is usually a good one for sports fans. Both the NBA and the NFL are in full swing. Unfortunately, my favorite teams, the Lakers and the Raiders, blow harder than Moby Dick.

I'd look to golf for my sports fix, but the season is done and only so-called "silly" events remain. These made for TV events usually only leave me in a state of ennui. Probably the most well known of these events is last weekend's Skins Game played at Trilogy Golf Club. I've actually played this course and it's probably the least challenging golf course in Palm Springs. Heck, I almost shot par on this course! The fairways are almost as wide as they are long and the rough is not rough at all. It's obviously a golf course designed for the geriatric set. Unfortunately, when the pros play the course, it becomes a pitch 'n putt. Real interesting.

After watching two days of this event, I've determined that the Skins Game is just as effective as Ambien without any of the adverse side affects. The organizers of this event always try to do something special to generate interest. Unfortunately, I don't think that they have ever been successful.

This year, the gimmick was to include one of the shortest drivers on the PGA, Fred Funk alongside Fred Couples and the #1 players on the PGA and LPGA. Poor Fred Funk was used as the laughing stock of golf. I guess organizers were hoping that Annika Sorenstam outdriving the Funkster would generate viewer interest. The announcers and players were sure eager to yuck it up. Guess what? It didn't fly for me. All I saw was a 49 year-old guy suffer undeserved and total humiliation. The Funkmaster lost all remaining semblance of dignity when he donned a skirt on the 3rd hole! It was just too painful to watch. But that novelty wore off fast, and it was back to golf, boring golf. Funky seems like a really nice guy, but I think that I'd rather watch my neighbor's dog chase it's own tale.

If the organizers of the Skins Game really want to make their event interesting, maybe they should make it a skins game, literally. For next year's Skins Game, my suggestion is to have Natalie Gulbis and Sophie Sandolo play against each other in bikinis. They didn't mind stripping down for their respective calendars, so why not do the same on the golf course? Organizers could rename the event to something like, "Showing Some Skin for Some Skins" and just watch the ratings skyrocket. People who have never watched a lick of golf in their life will tune in by the boatloads, I guarantee it. At the very least, it's sure to be be much more interesting than watching a woman outdrive a man by a couple of yards! That's just downright silly.

Creamer is No Bamberger

Another drop incident occurred at the ADT Championship last week. This time it was Annika Sorenstam who made a controversial drop. Her playing partner, Paula Creamer, disagreed where Annika's tee shot entered a water hazard on the 18th hole and, therefore, the proper drop location. After a tense engagement, the rules official ruled in favor of Sorenstam.

"It was her word versus my word," Creamer said. "I don't feel that it crossed [the hazard]. We're never going to agree because she saw it differently. ... In my heart of hearts, I did not see it cross. It's her conscience. If she thinks it did, it did."

Clearly, Ms. Creamer ruffled some feathers by standing up to the mother hen of golf. Popular or not, kudos to Paula for paying attention to her playing partner's actions and to raise any rule infraction concerns immediately. As we all know, she could have tried to DQ Annika by pulling a Bamberger!

But another incident between the two illustrated some of the silliness of golf. On the 16th green, Annika asked if she could fix what she believed to be a ball pitch mark in the line of her putt. Creamer thought it was instead a spike mark, green damage that can’t be repaired under Rule 16-1c of the Rules of Golf.

Pitch marks, spike marks, what the heck is the difference? They are both man-made alterations to the putting surface. However, the Rules of Golf only allow golfers to repair "damage to the putting green caused by the impact of a ball." The rules of golf are supposedly based upon principles of fair play, but how is this fair?

For example, consider an overweight golfer wearing long metal spikes who follows a bizarre pre-putting routine where he makes multiple practice strokes in a circle around the hole. So, not only are these spike marks unusually deep and damaging, there are also a large number of them encircling the hole. Can you imagine playing behind this clown? You might as well play pachinko.

In my opinion, any man-made damage to the green should be repairable. That seems fair to me.

Take My Wallet, Just Leave My Golf Clubs!

If you had a suitcase stuffed with over $2,000 cash, would you ever leave it outside and unattended? Well, that's what happens all the time at golf courses around the world. Obviously, it's not cash, but it's something just as valuable: golf clubs.

Consider someone who carries the latest Callaway Golf clubs purchased at Golfsmith.com:

• X Tour 3-PW Iron Set w/ Steel Shaft: $899.99
• Big Bertha Fusion FT-3 Neutral Driver: $359.99
• Big Bertha Fusion Fairway 3 Wood: $299.99
• Big Bertha Fusion Fairway 5 Wood: $269.99
• Forged + Wedges - Chrome 56: $ 99.99
• Forged + Wedges - Chrome 60: $99.99
• White Steel 2 Ball Blade Putter: $169.99
• Hybrid 45 Stand Bag $169.99

• Grand Total: $2,369.92

Such a bag sits on the high-end of the price spectrum, but I see similar bags unattended at my home golf course all the time. For some reason, there's sort of a mutual feeling of trust amongst golfers at golf courses. It's like we're all soldiers waging war against a common enemy: the golf course. No golfer would dare steal the weapons of their brothers in arms.

Unfortunately, there are unsavory characters out there who exploit this camaraderie for personal gain. Golf club theft is nothing new, but the problem is now more common than ever before. One of the reasons is the rise in club prices due to high tech designs and exotic materials. But the main reason is the emergence of my favorite online marketplace, eBay. With eBay, criminals can sell "hot" clubs at premium prices in a couple of clicks.

But the problem recently gained national attention when USA Today reported that thieves stole the golf clubs of police officers! Interestingly, the incident occurred last May at a police department golf tournament held at Santa Anita Golf Club, one of my local golf courses! The USA Today article also mentioned a robbery at my home course, Brookside golf course.

I know the guys who work in the Brookside pro shop, so I asked them about the article. They confirmed that club theft has always been a problem and that eBay has made it worse. However, they said that since USA Today ran the article, they haven't had a single incident.

I was relieved since I had no idea that I lived in the golf club theft capital of the world (or at least it seemed that way when I read the article). Luckily, I have never been the victim of theft.

Here are some tips that I follow to remain theft-free:

• Never leave your golf bag unattended, especially outside. If you have to go inside, take your bag with you. Many on-course pro shops and restaurants allow you to bring your bag inside.

• A common scam is the old driver switcheroo. The perpetrator simply takes an old and worthless driver and covers the clubhead with the headcover from the latest "hot" driver. He'll then hang around a golf course looking for an unattended bag containing the "hot" driver sheathed in an identical headcover. When no one is looking, he swaps the "fake" driver for the real one in a matter of seconds. The victim usually doesn't know that he's been swindled until he gets to the first tee. To prevent this, simply ditch the fancy headcovers that came with your clubs and replace them with either generic or low-end headcovers.

Viewer Mail: Wedgehead Writes...

The Grouchy Golf Blog (GGB) welcomes your grouchy golf observations. If you have a grouchy golf observation that you would like to be posted on the GGB, please email it to the address in the sidebar. Remember, all submissions become the property of the GGB. Submissions chosen for publication may be edited for length and clarity.

The following grouchy golf observation was submitted by a dedicated grouchy golf reader named Wedgehead. He recently moved to southern California and played a golf course that I recommended. Remember, if you play a course that I recommend, prepare to get grouchy. Here's his story of his first round at Los Verdes Golf Course.

Don't Touch My Balls!

Hey Grouch, thanks for the recommendations...I wasn't playing so well but on one of the finishing holes, a long par 5 doglegging left along the Pacific ocean, I hit my best drive of the day. A nice long draw tracing the fairway in a stiff left-to-right wind no-less.

As we left the tee box, two carts come screaming out of the trees way to the right. Seems these knuckleheads were so far to the right we all hit right past them thinking it was clear. I immediately knew it would be a problem as my ball was well up the fairway a good 100+ yds past the 4 guys I was playing with. I tried to tell the guy driving my cart (he offered me a lift a few holes in) to pull ahead to my ball, but he didn't understand. I jumped out and hastily walked up to the groups ahead of us looking for my ball. They were playing a scramble, and I knew it could be confusing. Sure enough, they take off and I yell. One hears and stops, the other goes all the way to green. I give him "the where's my ball?" hand motion and he says "Titleist 2 with a blue dot?", and I say "YES!"

He says he'll get it for me and zooms up the green where he pulls up to the other cart, now 225 away from me, gets my ball, and yells "Here's your ball!" He drops it, and hits it back down the fairway about 165 yds!

Thanks pal. Whaddadick.

I don't care if I did hit "hypothetically" "into them", who the hell picks up a marked, un-blemished PRO-VI from right smack dab in the middle of the fairway? Even the most un-ettiquated duffer has to know:

A) that IS a $4 golf ball, and
B) that is one hell of a shot by that guy coming down the fairway right behind you, and he deserves proper replacement in the general vicinity of where it was picked up.

Hit it back to me??? 60 yds short??? Dick.

Sorry about the long rant, but maybe an article about "when/when not to pick up a ball" is in order for more serious grouching.

Golf Grouch Comment: Wedge, no need for me to write about it, you did just fine. Thanks for the story!

Any Press is Good Press, Even in Golf

Michael Bamberger's new book, "This Golfing Life," is now available to order. According to the publisher, Mike "has been writing about golf for Golf Digest and The Philadelphia Inquirer for over twenty years, and for the past ten years has been a senior writer for Sports Illustrated." However, he has been making the golf headlines lately as the self-appointed volunteer rules official at the Samsung World Championship.

To most, Bamberger's release of his new book within 2 weeks of his involvement in the Wie DQ incident is a purely random occurrence. But to me, these events are too closely related to explain by mere chance. Maybe it's because I work in the entertainment media business and I've learned to cast a cynical eye at anything I see in the media. Just turn on your TV and you'll be bombarded with promotions up the Wazoo, most unbeknownst to you.

Take celebrity gossip shows such as Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood and The Insider. They're really just extended commercials dressed as entertainment "news" shows. Virtually every story from these shows contains a hidden agenda. When I saw Tom Cruise bashing Brooke Shields for taking antidepressant drugs, my initial thought wasn't about his position on medicine or psychiatry, it was what movie is Tom pluggin' now?

While some may expect heavy promos on such shows, many are unaware that it occurs in the traditional press as well. The recent tragedy from hurricane Katrina provided ample opportunities for shameless self-promotion. Do you think that Kanye West would have made his controversial political statements during NBC's nationally-televised Concert for Hurricane Relief if it didn't happen to air four days before the release of his latest album, "Late Registration"? Would Chris Rock have made those high-profile visits to the disaster shelters if his new TV show, "Everybody Hates Chris," didn't debut less than two weeks later? Regardless of the true answers to these questions, these individuals created the publicity that propelled their launches to success.

In a similar vein, Bamberger has created a “buzz,” whether he intended it or not. We’ll probably never know to what extent that his new book release influenced his actions at the Samsung World Championship. But we do know that Bamberger alerted LPGA Tour officials of the possible Wie rule infraction because he "loves golf and thinks playing by the rules is a critical element to making tournament golf work." To delve any deeper, one would want to understand how this man came to love golf. Isn’t it convenient that his new book is an autobiographical account about this very topic?

In his book, Bamberger quotes a Scottish master who explains what Americans brought to the game of golf: "You showed us that there's money in golf. That had never occurred to us. The money has corrupted us, all of us, myself included." I wonder how money has affected Bamberger. I guess we'll have to read his book to find out.

RadarGolf: Lo-Jack Your Golf Ball

As a person with a business background, I love to think of business ideas. However, my ideas can sometimes be considered beyond "out of the box." One such idea was hatched a couple of years ago after I became so frustrated over losing about a dozen Pro V1s at Lost Canyons (the most appropriate name for a golf course ever).

My idea was to irradiate golf balls with a low-level radioactive isotope. Golfers who lost such balls could simply use a Geiger counter to find their balls. It sounded great at first, but then I realized that there could be litigation risks associated with potential health hazards to golfers who carried radioactive balls in their pocket. Would it really be so bad to grow another arm? Who knows, it could improve your swing.

Anyway, a company has already developed a similar concept, without the radiation risks. RadarGolf has developed a microchip that is designed to be embedded into a golf ball. The chip is designed to communicate with a handheld device carried by the golfer. When the golfer loses his ball, he simply activates the handheld to transmit a specific radio frequency signal. Like a Spidey tracer, the chip receives the signal and sends back its own signal, causing the handheld to beep faster and at a higher pitch as it gets closer to the ball.

I think that this product has some potential for success. However, one glaring shortcoming that I see is the fact that the system only works specifically with RadarGolf Balls. There's just no way that you're going to pry golfers away from their precious Pro V1s to play some findable ball that most wouldn't want to find in the first place. Therefore, I recommend that RadarGolf pursue a strategy to get their product in established golf ball brands. I'm sure that Titleist would be interested to incorporate the RadarGolf chip into their golf balls as a premium feature or product extension. For example, they could retail a dozen regular Pro V1s at $50 and RadarGolf Pro V1s at $60. I think that such a product offering could be attractive to certain golfers. This all sounds great in theory, but we'll have to see how it works in practice.

The RadarGolf System (the handheld unit with a dozen balls) was scheduled to be introduced sometime this month on the Web for $349.95. However, the last time I checked, there was no purchasing info. Maybe they're rethinking their business model. I think that would be a good idea.

DQ'd - How to Work the System

In the aftermath of the Michelle Wie DQ controversy at the Samsung World Championship, I’m still bewildered. In fact, I have serious doubts whether Wie committed a bad drop in the first place. Of all the Wie puns that have been coined over the last several years, “Wiediculous” seems to be the one most apropos in this case. All I know is that this incident is just another head-scratching rules fiasco that does nothing to dispel the notion that golf lacks all common sense. Other silly DQs within the last week include Paula Creamer for inadvertently switching clubs inter-round and Kevin Stadler for unknowingly carrying a bent club. Other sports must look at their odd sibling named Golf and just laugh. It wouldn’t surprise me if people concluded that golf was invented by a mental patient and is run by the Church of Scientology.

Much of the problem stems from golf being dictated by the most complicated rules of any sport. I actually know people who are more comfortable understanding Einstein’s Theories of Relativity than the rules of golf. Furthermore, golf is one of the few professional sports that is self-policing when it comes to rules conformance. There are no referees, umpires, or judges that oversee play. There are merely a handful of “rules officials” who are available to answer any rules-related questions posed by the players. As a result, golf rules enforcement depends largely upon each player’s personal integrity and knowledge of the rules. But golf doesn’t trust its players entirely. As it is currently structured, your everyday Joe may participate in rules enforcement as well. Any observer may inform an official about any suspected rules infraction that he may have witnessed. In turn, the incident in question may be reviewed and action taken, if needed. This is the mechanism that allowed Wie to be DQ’d.

I have several problems with the whole golf officiating system as it now stands. First, I think getting DQ’d for signing an incorrect scorecard is often overly harsh. I can understand getting DQ’d for knowingly signing an incorrect scorecard, but when it is done unknowingly, there should be some leniency.

Second, if golf is founded on the principle of personal integrity, then officials should trust the self-policing players who have access to rules officials. Outside assistance should not be allowed. If this is not acceptable, an alternative is to employ a team of referees to oversee every player on the course. As in other sports, these referees would regulate all play with their rulings final and not subject to change.

But the biggest beef that I have with the current system is the seemingly indefinite amount of time that a suspected infraction may be submitted for consideration. In the case of Wie’s incident, it was virtually a full day before Mr. Bamberger notified the officials (I have yet to hear a satisfactory reason why the dude waited so long). If a suspected rules infraction can be reviewable after a full day has passed, then why not a week, a month, or even a year? If I were Ken Venturi, I’d consider rekindling the Palmer controversy at the 1958 Masters. Using the Wie incident as a precedent, maybe he could find enough evidence to have Palmer DQ’d from the Masters, giving Venturi the Green Jacket!

Now you can only imagine the sheer pandemonium that could erupt from people exploiting the system. The opportunities in sports betting alone would be too great for some to pass up. Consider, for the moment, if a slightly different situation occurred at the Samsung. Let’s assume that everything were the same except that Wie tied Annika for the lead and both were far ahead of the pack after the 3rd round. The situation now is such that only either Wie or Sorenstam have a realistic chance to win the tournament. Someone, like Mr. Bamberger, who witnessed Wie commit a bad drop during the 3rd round, could wager a sizeable amount on Annika to win the tournament with minimal risk. If Annika beats Wie, the wager is won fair and square. However, if Wie beats Annika, the witness can simply alert officials of the rule infraction to DQ Wie and win the wager!

Unfortunately, most of deficiencies in golf officiating can’t be resolved overnight. But there is a partial solution that would alleviate some of the headaches - Simply require all suspected rule infractions to be submitted within an hour of the conclusion of the round. Any submissions after that time would be deemed not reviewable. If any suspected infractions are found to be valid, penalties could be assessed without incurring a DQ. If such a rule had been in affect at the Samsung, Wie’s alleged bad drop could have been addressed in a fair and timely manner without triggering a DQ. In the meantime, be sure to program the numbers of rules officials and bookies into your speed dial!

P.S. Word is going around that Mr. Bamberger will be releasing a new book in the coming weeks. Merely a coincidence?

Who's Head is Looser? John Daly or His Putter?

I've never really understood the widespread popularity of John Daly. To me, he provides solid evidence to anyone who wants to argue that you don't need to be an athlete to play golf at the highest level. What other sport features players who can win while dragging on a Marlboro Red?

While few things about Daly appeal to me, we do have one thing in common - our misery with the putter. Daly 3-Jacked it whenever it mattered at last week's WGC-American Express Championship to gift-wrap the tournament to Tiger. Like Daly, I have a habit of coughing up a 3-putt or two at the worst times on the golf course. I don't know whether I'm a horrible putter because I hate putting or I hate putting because I'm a horrible putter. Either way, putting is the bane of my golfing existence.

At least I know that it's the swordsman and not the sword. However, Daly is quick to point out that his putting woes are largely due to equipment failure.

In an interview after his 1st round last week, Daly claimed that the hosel on his putter came loose late in his round. He also had the putter's lie measured and found that it was off by about 3 degrees.

But if I remember correctly, that's the ninth time this year that Daly has claimed to be playing with a defective putter. Daly ran into similar problems at this year's PGA Championship at Baltusrol and he had to putt with his Lob wedge for the last seven holes. Daly explained, "...the... putter I was knocking it 10 feet by. My putter came loose again. We made a replacement. I'm tired of replacing it. That's happened a few times this year where the head has fallen off. Dunlop has been working really hard to try to make a putter, and it still keeps coming off...I'm not getting another putter. I've had it. I'm just going to putt with my L-wedge. I'll figure something out tomorrow. I may have three or four putters in the bag tomorrow."

Dude, if you consistently experience problems with your flatstick, why don't you try something else? Is Dunlop forcing you to play their putter? No amount of endorsement money is worth playing equipment that you're not 100% comfortable. I'm sure that Dunlop isn't fond of you telling the world that their golf equipment falls apart. I know that I would never, ever consider buying a Dunlop golf club (to be fair, I felt the same way before Daly's diatribes). Dunlop would much rather have you play with something that would bring you success.

I know that if I worked at Dunlop, I'd be pretty PO'ed. I would probably try to "borrow" Tiger's backup Scotty Cameron Circle T and secretly disguise it as Daly's Dunlop Redneck and swap it with Daly's gamer when he wasn't looking. The next time Daly complains about his putter losing him a golf tournament, I would issue a press release saying, "Mr. Daly would have won, but his Scotty Cameron putter came loose!"

Don't Hate the Player, Hate the Game!

The speculation about Michelle Wie turned into reality this morning as she announced her decision to turn professional. Already, I've read a lot of opinions about it. Interestingly, many of them are negative, especially on the golf message boards.

Quite frankly, it's a shame that people are so down on Michelle. Really, what has she done to draw such ire? Her public image is nice and pleasant. She's about as clean-cut as they come. She's a 15 year-old girl for crying out loud! People who bash a good-natured young girl who's a straight A student need to schedule some time with a therapist.

This is simply a girl who has big dreams - dreams of playing golf for a living. She's fortunate to realize those dreams at a young age and people hate her for it. It seems to me that much of the anti-Wie sentiment is rooted in jealousy and envy. If anything, these Wie-haters should redirect their animosity at the things surrounding Ms. Wie's pro announcement. While I don't think that it's deserved, go ahead and criticize Wie's parents, her agent, her sponsors, her coach, her dog, etc. - just don't hate on her.

Morgan "The Pouting" Pressel will have plenty to say about Wie turning pro. When asked about Wie's endorsement deals, Pressel exclaimed, "She's going to make something like $10 million? For what? For winning one tournament?!" This is just the latest in a long-running whine about Wie. At this year's U.S. Open, Wie shared the lead with Pressel after three rounds. After Pressel finished ahead of Wie, Pressel sounded off on Wie, "she's proven she can't win in pressure situations going into the final round...The biggest tournament in women's golf, she shoots 82...She falters at the end." When asked when Wie would join the LPGA, Pressel shot back, "Never. OK, maybe not never, but not as long as she wants to do her 'woo-woo' thing against the men." Meeyow!

But there are mature and intelligent individuals among Wie's peer group.

As Curtis Cup teammates, Paula Creamer became acquainted with Wie. "We are very good friends," Creamer said. "We have a lot in common. We both love golf and we are both young. We talk a lot, (but) on the golf course everybody is trying to beat everybody. It is all fun, I think, (but) for me I try to win."

When asked about Wie turning pro, Natalie Gulbis said, "I think it's very positive. The publicity that she [Wie] has gotten for herself and also gotten for the LPGA has been extremely positive because more people are talking about Michelle Wie in accordance with the LPGA. And she has raised the bar and also shown how much a female golfer can be paid from an endorsement standpoint."

Paula and Natalie are two of my favorite LPGA pros because they have great attitudes to accompany great games (OK, that's not the real reason I like Natalie). Together with Wie, the LPGA has nowhere to go but up. I know that I'll be watching.

Everybody Loves Ernie Els

All the top pro golfers have their fair share of fans. However, most also have a healthy number of detractors.

Take Tiger and Phil, for example. Both deserve the respect of all golf fans for their golf achievements. In addition, each has legions of fans that love them for more than just their golfing abilities. Each has very different on-course personas that resonate strongly with their respective fans. However, the very things that people find appealing about these golfers are the same things that some people find objectionable.

Phil always projects a wholesome and care-free image on the golf course that the "Phil Phanatics" just eat up. Phil has become the modern-day Ward Cleaver to many casual golf fans. However, some believe that Phil is simply putting on a show whenever he's on camera or in the public eye to maintain and maximize his endorsement dollars. In other words, Phil is smiling all the way to the bank. If you're a fan of Larry David's HBO comedy series, Curb Your Enthusiasm, you could guess what the F-bomb dropping, foul-mouthed Susie Greene might say about Mickelson: "That Phil is one phake phat phony phuck!"

On the other hand, many fans love Tiger because he is a fiery competitor who puts it all out on the golf course. Much like Michael Jordan, he is intensely focused and never, ever quits. Tiger wears his emotion on his sleeves, good and bad. However, some find some of Tiger's behavior boorish and ungentlemanly, especially for the staid game of golf.

As a serious, but unaccomplished golfer, I am much more of a fan of Tiger than Phil. I appreciate Tiger's super-human golf ability and his ultra-competitive zeal. It's refreshing to see him upset over a bad shot as much as he celebrates a miraculous one. Anyone who plays golf knows that it is the most maddening game in the world, so it's somewhat comforting to see that the best player in the world shares our pain. In short, I find Tiger to be much more genuine than Phil.

Australian golfer Paul Gow has echoed similar sentiments when he said, "What you see on television is totally different to what he (Phil Mickelson) is around the clubhouse. Tiger (Woods) is the opposite: he will talk to you, he will sit down next to you at lunch and ask about your family and stuff. Phil is the opposite…He has done some great acting classes in Hollywood and they have worked out for him."

While it is clear that many people are not fond of Tiger and Phil, there is one golfer who everybody seems to love - Ernie Els. His peers love him, golf fans love him, and even grouchy people love him. His large frame and laid-back personality and smooth-flowing golf swing has rightfully earned him the nickname, "The Big Easy." Ernie is a big asset to golf, and his recent season-ending ACL injury was a tremendous loss. This year's PGA Championship was the first major since 1993 that Ernie has not played. He could have easily been the difference-maker at this year's evenly-played President's Cup. These great golf events would have been even better had Ernie been available to play. The good news is that Golfweek is reporting that Ernie will tee it up again as soon as this December. Oh, the miracle of arthroscopic knee surgery! Get well soon Double-E!

The Golf Gods Smile on Me

If you've played golf long enough, you'll know that there are supernatural forces that govern the game. There must be, because golf appears to be the easiest sport ever conceived. All you do is hit a small ball into a hole in the fewest amount of strokes. Unlike every other sport that I know, the ball isn't even moving before you hit it! How hard can that be?

Not only does the concept of golf sound easy, but it looks easy to play as well. Televised professional golf makes it look like anyone can play golf like a pro. Sure, there are the über-athletes that play golf professionally, like Tiger, but there are far more pros that look like they failed gym class more than once. Heck, Tim "Lumpy" Herron, Laura Davies, Pat Hurst, and Craig the "Walrus" Stadler look like they all came straight off a fat farm. John Daly takes it a step further by smoking between holes. If you don't need to be an athlete to play a sport professionally, how difficult can it be?

Well this is a case that supports the old adage, "looks can be deceiving." While golf seems laughably easy to the uninitiated, it is actually known as one of the hardest sports to master. Some argue that mere mortals can never truly master golf. Golfers know that it is really a game that defies all logic. It's no wonder that as many people quit golf as take it up in any given year.

Supernatural forces are the only logical explanation for the maddening nature of this godforsaken game. The Golf Gods monitor all things golf to ensure that it is always a challenge to us mortals. The God of the Slice is the most active and well-known member of golf's heavenly ruling body, but there is also the God of the Hook, the God of the Worm-Burner, and the most feared of all, the God of the Shank. They demand respect and are quick to strike down those who are irreverent.

But sometimes, the Golf Gods will bless us to keep our faith. Such was the case for me last week. For the longest time, the driver was my bread and butter club. I could hit a high percentage of fairways averaging a little over 250 yards. But about 2 months ago, I completely lost the ability to hit my driver. In fact, Rich over at eatgolf.com was an eyewitness to this inexplicable phenomenon. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out my driver and my driving game sunk to depths last reached by the Titanic.

But just when I was about to chuck my driver and the rest of my clubs into the Pacific Ocean, the Golf Gods intervened. Not only did they reunite me with my driver, they elevated my entire golf game. On my home course, Brookside #1, I began the day with a solid 3 over on the front nine. Miraculously, I shot even on the back to finish at a personal best of 3 over! It was one of those rare days when golf actually seemed easy. I hit 9 of 15 fairways and my misses still had a great lie and angle to hit the green. Likewise, I hit 11 GIRs and my misses were still in great position to get up and down. Putting is my usual nemesis, but even the God of the Yips smiled upon me. Not a single 3-Jack! My love for the game of golf was completely reinvigorated by the mercy of the Golf Gods.

As Michael Corleone said in The Godfather, Part III, "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in." Yes Michael, "they" are the Golf Gods.

Golf Review: Lacquer-Stik

If you've played golf long enough, your clubs will inevitably show signs of wear. Paint chipping off of golf clubs, especially forged irons, is one of the most common signs of wear. However, it is also one of the easiest problems to fix.

Recently, I wanted to fix some of my paint-chipped Mizuno MP-14 irons. But I wanted to do it the correct way. So I emailed Mizuno and asked them for advice in this matter. They promptly replied that I should try something called, "Laquer-Stik Fill-In Paint" by LA-CO Industries, Inc.

After some creative Googling on the Internet, I found that Laquer-Stiks are sold by The GolfWorks. They seem reasonably priced at just under 3 bucks apiece and come in colors commonly found on golf clubs.

According to GolfWorks.com, "Using any sharpened instrument like a dental pick or nail, carefully etch the engravings or stampings, removing most of the original paint. Next, rub the appropriate color of Lacquer-Stik (See Pg. 6-4 of our Full Line Catalog for the complete listing of colors) into the letter or number cavity. Wipe away the excess color and the results will amaze you -- it looks great!"

The nice folks at Rite-Mark Stamp Company offered to send me some Lacquer-Stik samples to try. I received a black Lacquer-Stik to try on my Mizuno MP-14 irons. Below is a before and after pic of the sole of my 6-iron that was completely devoid of paint.



While the product was very easy to apply, it doesn't cure to a rock-hard finish like paint. Instead, it stays somewhat flexible and malleable. While this is great for certain applications, it's not ideal for something that strikes the ground repeatedly at around 80 mph.

I've been playing with the Lacquer-Stik filled clubs and they seem to be holding up. However, I doubt that they will last very long. If they don't, I'll try another recommendation that was given to me by a clubfitter: Testors model paint applied with a toothpick. Right now, that sounds like the best solution. I've also heard that nail polish works well, but won't be seeing me buying anything at any MAC store.

P.S. I'll try to keep the "Golf Deals" section in the sidebar current. Be sure to check out the free Pinnacle golf balls offer. You can't beat free! Let me know if the offer has expired so that I can remove the link. I think it will go pretty quick.

Let's Help Our Friends in the Gulf Coast!

I'm on a golf blogging break this week, but I want to urge everyone to please consider making a donation to the American Red Cross 2005 Hurricane Relief Fund. This fund makes it possible for the Red Cross to help nationwide Hurricane disaster victims of 2005 with critical needs such as shelter, food, clothing, counseling and other assistance.

While the major U.S. golf organizations have created the U.S. Golf Hurricane Katrina Relief Fund to provide support to the relief efforts, I believe that funds will be utilized most effectively when contributed directly to the American Red Cross.

It's very easy to make an American Red Cross donation online. They accept amounts as little as $5 (less than 2 Pro V1s!), so everyone can afford to donate something. Or, if you don't play golf, sacrifice that half double decaffeinated half-caf, with a twist of lemon Starbucks Vente latte in favor of a donation!

In addition, my friends over at ResellerRatings.com and dealnews.com are offering to match American Red Cross donations through links on their sites. Please visit their sites for complete information, but here are the basics:

• Make a donation online through the links on the respective sites.
• Keep your confirmation email and forward it to a special email address.
• In turn, these sites will match 100% of your donation until they hit their limits or until September 15.

Please visit the American Red Cross at http://www.redcross.org/ for the most current disaster updates and stories about the people being helped. Thank you for your generosity.

Wie Goin' Pro...

More clues are emerging that indicate Michelle Wie will turn pro sooner rather than later. My local paper, the Los Angeles Times, reported Saturday that she is "close to signing with the William Morris Agency, which would end her amateur career." According to an unnamed insider, "the agency offered Wie a large guarantee and also cut its commission to nothing."

This isn't surprising to me as it makes a lot of common sense. However, critics will say that Wie isn't ready for a pro career yet and point to her lack of wins as the primary reason. But did anyone seriously think that Michelle should have won the tournaments that she played this year? It would have been a minor miracle for any 15 year-old to win any of the events that she played. Her results so far have been more than impressive. Nonetheless, the standard argument is that there is an "art to winning" and that Michelle just hasn't learned it yet. As Al Davis would say, "Just Win, Baby." While I do believe that this argument holds merit, as it has worked for Tiger and Phil, I do not believe that it is a necessary requirement for success as a pro.

Many believe that Michelle should play amateur events to rack up these all-important wins. But there are a number of accomplished amateur golfers who haven't done jack at the pro level. Consider the prestigious U.S. Amateur, the oldest USGA championship that crowned it's 105th champion this weekend. It is considered to be one of the hardest golf tournaments to win. It's tough just to qualify to play in the tournament, let alone win the darn thing. Over the last 20 years, here are some of the names of its past champions: Sam Randolph, Buddy Alexander, Eric Meeks, Chris Patton, Mitch Voges, John Harris, David Gossett, Jeff Quinney, and Ben "Bubba" Dickerson. While these guys earned a degree in the "art of winning," they just weren't able to take it to the next level.

On the women's side, remember Kelli Kuehne? She won two straight U.S. Women's Amateurs and the Women's British Amateur. She turned pro at the end of 1996 and hasn't done much so far.

If it's so important for Michelle to win, I'd be happy to play against her for as many heads-up matches as she wants. Whether it's match play or stroke play, I'd try my very best to beat her. But that's like William Hung trying to out-sing Sinatra. I have no doubt that Wie would win 1,000 straight matches against me without lifting a finger. Unfortunately, it wouldn't do her an ounce of good.

I think that Michelle Wie is such a gifted golfer that she'll learn the "art of winning" on the pro level. I believe that her deep experience on the pro tours has been more beneficial to her than if she would have played on the amateur circuit. She has learned what it takes to be successful on the pro tours, and she understands her weaknesses that she must improve. This knowledge would have likely been unavailable to Wie on the amateur level.

For example, while Michelle has an amazing golf game, a glaring weakness has surfaced in her game: putting. On the amateur level, Wie could have easily dominated the competition even with a shaky flat stick because the rest of her game is so phenomenal. As a result, she likely would have glossed over the importance of putting. However, on the pro level, poor putting is the kiss of death. Michelle is learning this first-hand and early in her development which she can address immediately. Tiger learned this early in his pro career, something that Michelle is learning even earlier. Michelle Wie's golf swing is already considered one of the best, so if she can turn her putting around, the wins will follow. Be patient Mr. Davis.

Golf Tips - Rap Holds the Key to Golf

As I was flipping channels the other day, something on Rap City, the BET music video show, caught my attention. It was more than just the usual booty shaking, Cristal popping, bling flossing, and pimped-out whips on 20" dubs. I became entranced with the lyrics from Terror Squad's rap video, "Lean Back." As strange as it sounds, I realized that this song secretly contains one of the keys to the golf swing in its catchy chorus:

"I said my #!&&@$ don't dance,
We just pull up our pants and,
Do the Roc-away.
Now lean back, lean back, lean back, lean back..."

No, it's not in the dance, the pants or even the "Roc-away." The key to the golf swing is to "lean back, lean back, lean back, lean back..." If you look at the swings of the best golfers in the world, you'll notice this recurring theme. Whether it's a one or two-plane swing, weak or strong grip, quick or slow swing tempo they all share one common trait: at impact, the hands are always ahead of the clubhead. In other words, the shaft always leans back to the ball at impact. This is a very important fact to remember as I believe that it is the key to proper ball-striking. If there were ever a "secret to golf" or the "key to the golf swing" I truly believe that this is it.

I advise every golfer to read this Golf Digest article by Tom Ness for drills to ingrain this impact position. According to Mr. Ness, "The act of trying to get the clubhead moving faster - by throwing or flipping it toward the ball - is the single biggest source of frustration in the game...Poor players let the clubhead pass the front arm before impact. In fact, there's a direct correlation between when the shaft catches up to the lead arm and handicap. The later it catches up, the lower the handicap. It's really that simple."

Your wrist positions at impact are key to achieving ball-striking nirvana. In particular, the lead wrist (the left wrist for a right-handed golfer) must not break through impact. Instead, the lead wrist needs to supinate. Mr. Ness notes, "A good player's leading wrist is flat and the trailing wrist is bent." A mental image that I like to envision to help me achieve this impact position is painting with a brush. When you paint with a brush, you always lead with your hand, with the brush trailing behind, correct? I imagine that my club is a long paintbrush and I'm painting the ground. Another image that might do the trick is to imagine that the club is a broom and that you are sweeping the ground with the broomhead trailing your hands.

Do yourself a favor and videotape your golf swing. Your impact position should look similar to this SwingVision photo of Tiger hitting an iron. If it's not, you will improve your ball-striking astronomically if you work on achieving this impact position each and every time. I would personally guarantee it, but my attorney advises otherwise.

So the next time you're out on the golf course, think of this little rap to improve your ball striking:

"I said my caddies don't lie,
We just let the ball fly and,
Swing the shaft away...
To lean back, lean back, lean back, lean back..."

The Golf Gods Smile on the Smile

After 2 rounds, Phil Mickelson had the PGA Championship locked up, or so it seemed. At 8 under, he held a 3 shot lead over the closest competitor, average guy Jerry Kelly. Phil faltered a bit on Sat. and ended the round tied for the lead at 6 under with Davis Love III.

Sunday arrived and Phil started off well. After 5 holes, Phil took sole possession of the lead at 7 under. But Phil's driver started sputtering at the 6th hole with a missed fairway that led to a bogey. His confidence shaken, Phil bogeyed the very next hole. Two more bogeys over the next 3 holes and it was clear that Phil was leaking more oil than a '71 Ford Pinto. Suddenly, about half-a-dozen were back in contention. Heck, even Tiger Woods looked like he had a chance at 2 under. The greens were firming under an oppressive August sun producing the most difficult conditions of the tournament. Birdies would be rare, pars would be welcome. Phil lost his lead to Steve Elkington and the Wannamaker was slipping away from his grasp. It was turning out to be a wild finish.

But then a not-so-surprising thing happened after Phil hit his approach shot on the 14th hole. Thunderclouds clustered above Baltusrol and suspended play. But it wasn't just a short delay. Although the PGA of America and CBS Sports officials understood the strong possibilities of afternoon thunderstorms, they did not move up the tee times to accommodate a weather delay. As a result, virtually any delay would end play for the day.

Maybe the Golf Gods got all warm and fuzzy from Phil's endorsement winning smile and intervened with a couple of lightning bolts. Whatever the reason, the suspension saved Phil's impending collapse. Phil could bolt his wheels back on and recharge his depleted stamina. The bogey train would be slowed from rain-softened greens and cooler weather. Indeed, playing conditions were much easier on Monday and Phil took advantage to win by a stroke.

Some may think that I may not be happy about Phil's 2nd major win. While it's true that he's not my favorite golfer, Phil happens to be my cash cow, literally. I had money riding on him when he won the Masters last year. Before the start of this year's PGA Championship, my bookie offered me 12-1 odds that Phil would win. I didn't think he would win, but I did like the odds. So I dropped some greenbacks on Phil. He won and so did I. He smiled and so did I. But mine was genuine.

Photo by Hunter Martin/WireImage.com

Pavin Proofing Golf Courses

Obviously, Tiger Woods is a once-in-a-lifetime golf talent. His unprecedented combination of Daly length, Mickelson short game, Crenshaw putting, and Jack everything else ushered in a new era in golf. Tiger broke records in record speed. Many felt that if something wasn't done, Mr. Woods would dominate every course in sight and threaten the very game itself. As a result, course architects were ordered to defend their courses by lengthening holes, narrowing fairways, adding bunkers, and making other changes designed to declaw the Tiger.

The practice became so commonplace that it became known as "Tiger-proofing" a golf course. Unfortunately, anyone competing against Tiger plays on the same course that he plays. Therefore, "Tiger-proofing" also becomes "Mickelson, Singh, Els, and everone else proofing."

In some ways, "Tiger-proofing" gives Tiger an even greater advantage. Course lengthening elevates the importance of the driver, giving long hitters a tremendous edge. Guys that I can out drive, such as Corey Pavin, are virtually shut-out of these marathon-long courses. Even with all the latest distance enhancing golf technology, Pavin still only drives the ball about as far as he did 20 years ago. In fact, he is shorter now. Back in the days of balatas and persimmon of 1985, Pavin's average driving distance was 262.4 yds. So far this year, Pavin is only averaging 255.5 yds.! With courses being lengthened 300+ yards, it's like Corey has to play another Par 4 every round compared to Tiger.

The effects of "Tiger-proofing" will be evident at this week's PGA Championship at Baltusrol. The course has been lengthened to a monster 7,392-yards, the longest par 70 course in the tournament's history. Tiger played a practice round at Baltusrol last week and described it as "brutal", not a good sign for the shorter hitters. Therefore, look for a big boy to win the PGA. While Tiger is the favorite, I think that it'll be Vijay's turn for a major. No one changes putters more frequently than Vijay and, when he does, he often captures lightning in a bottle. He changed putters at the Buick Open this year, and subsequently putted his way to victory over Tiger. He did virtually the same thing last year, and it led to a win at the 2004 PGA. Déjà vu?

In the end, it's clear that "Tiger-proofing" doesn't work. All it does is make it harder for everyone else. If you want to truly "Tiger-proof" a course, you need to shorten the course. In fact, if they held the next PGA Championship at my local Golf N' Stuff miniature golf course, I think that even I would have a decent shot at beating Tiger. I'd like to see him try to putt his Nike One Platinum through a mini windmill with spinning windmill blades or try to read the break inside the mouth of a one-eyed alien.

Boredom at the Bridges

Last week, I watched the final installment of the made for prime time TV golf event, "Battle at The Bridges." Retief Goosen and Phil Mickelson beat Tiger Woods and John Daly and will split the $1.2 million top prize. After I had awakened, I concluded that it was some of the least compelling TV that I had ever seen. If there was such a thing as televised competitive knitting, I think that I would have rather watched that.

Sadly, I have seen all 7 installments since the series debuted in 1999. Each time that I've watched the event, I've hoped that it would be interesting or at least better than the one before. Each time I've been disappointed. At least in prior installments, ABC tried to keep the event interesting with launch monitor analysis, long-drive competitions, etc. This time around, ABC didn't utilize anything. No launch monitors, no slo-mo, nada. They didn't even bother to mark the yardages on the long holes to show the driving distances. It was like everyone just gave up - the players, the announcers, the sign boys, and eventually me. My friend Tony over at Hooked On Golf observed the same thing.

The series is billed as the first and only golf event televised live in prime time. One of its goals is to deliver golf to an audience that might not otherwise have been exposed to televised golf. While "Monday Night Golf" might accomplish this goal, it does little to actually generate lasting interest in televised golf. In fact, I think that it does a disservice - not only to televised golf, but to golf in general. If my first exposure to golf was this dreadful exhibition of ennui, I likely would have never picked up a golf club. Instead, I may have gone so far as to despise golf and join some radical group hell-bent on abolishing it from TV.

I think that the main problem with live televised golf, in general, is that there is a relatively scarce amount of action to actually watch. Give me a Tivo, and I can watch a 3 hour golf event in 30 minutes tops. This problem is greatly exacerbated when there's only one group on the course. Watching such golf becomes a mundane pattern of watching 4 guys hit their ball, waiting 10-15 mins. until they hit them again, rinse, spin, and then repeat. The only way that this can be even remotely viewable is if they fit in an episode of the "Making of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue" into the down times. On second thought, there'd still be enough room to squeeze in an NFL preseason preview show and maybe a Seinfeld re-run or two. Now that would be must-see TV.

Viewer Mail: Intlvagabond Writes...

The Grouchy Golf Blog welcomes your grouchy golf observations. If you have a grouchy golf observation that you would like to be posted on the Grouchy Golf Blog, please email it to the address in the sidebar. Remember, all submissions become the property of Grouchy Golf Blog. Submissions chosen for publication may be edited for length and clarity.

The following grouchy golf observation was submitted by a grouchy golfer from Hong Kong named "Intlvagabond." It's a great story that we can all sympathize. Thanks Intlvagabond, and may your stocks and golf game go on a bull run!

Golf and Stocks

The sudden realization that I was destined not to improve in golf happened quite inauspiciously at the end of a round in Taipei, almost 10 years after I took up the game. I shot a 108. It was perhaps one of the most indifferent moments in my life. The sense of caring just disappears. There is no more emotional energy left.

It's like buying a stock and watching it drop. At the beginning of the trade, you're all hopeful, you've done the research, and you're ready to get rich. You buy the stock that all of your friend's have recommended you get, kind of like the latest illegal driver by Callaway, and then you start to wait. But it doesn't happen, and then you just start thinking all the time about it. Then suddenly, the stock starts to rise and you start to mentally spend. You think about the new Porsche that you see in the magazines. And illusions of a better way of life starts to appear, the idea of business class over economy - how did you ever handle it in the past?

Then it starts to drop. It goes below your entry price and you think, if it just goes up to where you got in, you'll sell and at least be even. But it never goes back to par, it just keeps sinking. The feeling of sickness at the pit of your stomach becomes more and more unbearable until you have to turn off the screen.

In golf, that feeling is called a quadruple bogey. It’s confirmation that you've blown your round, par is no longer possible for the round. It's over.

When I started golf, my father insisted I take lessons. Best advice I ever got. I supplemented those lessons with magazines, books and videos. I became a student of the game. Ben Hogan's Five Lessons: The Modern Fundamentals of Golf was ingrained in my mind. I patterned my swing after Seve Ballesteros through imported magazines from Japan. They had all these sequential photographs taken at 1/32 of a second. Somehow, through Hogan and Ballesteros, I managed to hit my forged blades straight and consistent (nobody told me I wasn't supposed to hit blades).

It was 1992 and my golf game was about to take a detour... and not the direction I wanted. Fred Couples just won the Masters and every time a tournament occurred it seemed like it was the Couple's swing clinic. He had the smoothest, silkiest swing. It was hypnotic in a rhythmic even tempo'd way.

And there began my demise.

From a Japanese golf magazine CHOICE, I learned that Fred used a MacGregor Eye-O-Matic 845 Persimmon driver (later to a Boom Boom 9 degree driver) - x/stiff flex, Ram Laser Fx Bore thru 13 degree w/ Dynamic Gold X100 steel shaft (borrowed from Tom Watson), Lynx Parallax 2-PW, 56 and 60 degree Cleveland Classic 588 wedges and a Ping Anser 020 putter.

Guess what I got?

My fundamental, flat, elbow-tucked-in back swing now became an upright, outside-in take-away, looping, flying-elbow back swing. Of course, in reality, I had no where near the timing, eye-hand-coordination that Couple's did.

But I tried.

For a while, whether it was the energy of youth or just not knowing better, I got away with it. My score hit a low of 89 and I was truly happy.

But it was short lived.

Just like stocks, my score took a turn, and I was back into the high nineties.

Wie to Turn Pro in October...

According to Michael Buteau of Bloomberg News, Golfweek magazine reports in its "Forecaddie" section of the July 23, 2005 issue:

"Michelle Wie will turn professional in October and sign a multiyear endorsement contract with Nike Inc.'s golf division worth $10 million to $12 million.

Wie turns 16, the age limit to enter tournaments as a professional on the LPGA Tour, on Oct. 11...[she] will make her professional debut at the LPGA's Samsung World Championships, held Oct. 13-16 in Palm Desert, California."

No source was mentioned, so take this story with a grain of salt. However, if it is true, I think that it's a great decision on the Wie's part. While going pro doesn't necessarily mean that Michelle will be granted full-time status on the LPGA Tour, it will provide the Wies with financial security. As Matt Kuchar learned the hard way, you gotta take the money and run.

I believe that Michelle can play full-time right now on the LPGA. Her results at LPGA tournaments this year speak for themselves. In just six LPGA tournaments, Michelle has already won, but couldn't collect, $530,000. That's good enough for 13th on the money list. She is too good for NCAA golf and too young for the PGA. Hey, if Freddy Adu can play Major League Soccer successfully at age 14, why can't Michelle do the same in golf?

According to the rules, an LPGA member must be at least 18 years old. However, there is a clause where anyone who is at least 16 years old can petition the commissioner for a special exemption. If the LPGA commissioner doesn't grant this exemption to Michelle, then they should just eliminate it altogether because there will never be another 16 year old that deserves it more. The LPGA needs Michelle and I believe that she will become the youngest member of the LPGA. Good luck Michelle!

Photo by Alexanderk/WireImage.com

Tiger Woods Won, I Lost

As everyone and their moms expected, Tiger captured his 10th major championship at the grass-covered lunar landscape of the Old Course at St Andrews. I finally guessed the winner of a major correctly, even though it wasn't much of a stretch. But I'm only allowing myself to select Tiger to win a major once a year, and this was the one that I chose for 2005. As all veteran golf fans know, predicting the winner of a golf tournament is a little like predicting the next earthquake (here in CA). You can have all the expert knowledge and statistical data in the world at your disposal, but it usually doesn't mean squat. But in the case of this year's British Open, so many things pointed to Tiger's unchallenged victory that it seemed like a no-brainer to me:

• Unlike other British Open venues where "unknown" champions are as abundant as pollen in the springtime, the game's greatest triumph at St Andrews including Bobby Jones, Sam Snead, Jack Nicklaus, and Tiger Woods.
• Tiger has always won when Jack has pulled a Michael Jordan (announced his retirement from the game).
• Tiger won by a landslide the last time he teed it up at St Andrews in 2000.
• Tiger has been playing well in the majors this year with a win at the Masters and a close 2nd at the U.S. Open.

I was sold. I couldn't even think of anyone else who could upset Tiger. He was so favored that my bookie only had two bets available on who would win the British Open after Tiger held the 2nd round lead by 4 strokes - Tiger at 10-11 odds and anyone else at 14-5 odds. The "anyone else to win" bet is known in the betting world as a "sucker's bet." So, of course, I wired some cash to my bookie and took the 14-5 odds. At the time I thought, Tiger is heavily favored, but there are still 2 rounds to play. This is golf for crissakes, so anything can happen. 14-5 odds for the entire field to overtake Tiger's 36-hole lead seems like a good bet. You can just call me sucker.

Tiger is now well back on pace to eclipse Jack's previously-thought-to-be- untouchable 18 major championship record. To me, it's just a matter of time. As Tiger becomes more comfortable with his new swing, he may replicate his dominance of 2000. As long as he doesn't overhaul his swing for the 3rd time in his professional career, I think that Tiger will win at least one major per year, on average, over the next 10 years. We won't know for another 10 years whether I'm correct, but just like my British Open prediction, it's not much of a stretch.

Wie, Me and the British

Last week, Michelle Wie made her 3rd attempt to make the cut in a PGA event. Her previous two attempts were at the Sony Open in Hawaii on a course that she's very familiar, Waialae Country Club. However, this time around, she played at the John Deere Classic on a course that she's not familiar, the TPC at Deere Run. Therefore, I didn't have high expectations for the 15 year-old phenom. But, as usual, she impressed me after firing a 1 under first round score. I flipped on the TV to watch the 2nd round, and was in sheer amazement as Wie shot 3 under over her first 5 holes. Can you say, "en fuego"? She even hit some shots reminiscent of a certain PGA player named after a ferocious feline.

I was so inspired by Wie's start, that I ditched work to play some twilight golf at my home course. If a 15 year-old girl can play this godforsaken game, then damn it, so can I! The Golf Gods must have been in a generous mood that day, as I played some of the most unbelievable golf of my life. I didn't drive the ball particularly well, but I hit 8 of the first 10 greens in regulation. I have never, ever hit my irons so well. Short irons, middle irons, long irons, you name it, they all seemed to find the green like Ben Affleck finds bad movies. I carded two birdies and stood at 2 over after 10 holes. For a ten-ish handicapper like me, that's like Wie shooting 3 under over the first 5 holes of a PGA event. But like Wie, my wheels were bound to fall off. The bogey train picked me up at the 11th hole and gathered steam with a bogey, double bogey, and another double bogey. I finished the last 8 holes at 8 over. Wiediculous!

But after many such disappointments, I've learned to accept the cruel ways of the Golf Gods. I still shot a respectable 82 and hit 10 GIRs. Similarly, Michelle Wie should be proud of her showing at the John Deere Classic. Although she barely missed making history, she can hold her head up high. She finished ahead of 54 professional men, including 6 shots ahead of a former #1 in the world and British Open champion (I won't mention his name, to save him from the embarrassment).

Speaking of British Opens, the mother of all British Opens, the Open Championship at St Andrews, will be played this week. The British Open is usually my 3rd favorite major behind the Masters and the U.S. Open. But it is something truly special when it is held at St Andrews, the birthplace of golf.

So, who's gonna win it? We all know that Tiger is the favorite in any tournament that he plays. But I think that he's as close to a lock to win that any mortal golfer can be. Not only has Tiger been playing well in the majors this year, but he simply dominated the last time he played at St Andrews in 2000. Now that he's even longer than he was back in 2000, look for Tiger to crush the field if he can find his putter. If he doesn't, then I hope that Thammanoon Srirot wins. Who? I have no idea, but at least it would give the engraver, who has about 10 mins. on international TV to engrave the champion's name on the Claret Jug, a real run for his money!

Oh, and congrats to Sean O'Hair on winning his first PGA event. Sean, please don't send your dad his 10% cut. The "iron-asshole bastard" doesn't deserve it.

P.S. Mega-props to Jamie, Chris, Erin, Bob, Craig, Shawn, and Brian from the AOL Internet Radio Show, "Sports Bloggers Live" for taking my call during their British Open Preview. If you have Real Player, you can hear the British Open Preview featuring 2 established, well-known and respected golf writers and then myself.

Licking Your Balls - An Unhealthy Habit

When I first started playing golf with my good friend and scratch golfer Anth, I noticed that he occasionally licked his golf ball before he set it down to putt. After shooting him several puzzled looks without a response, I asked him, "What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm cleaning my ball so it will roll true," he answered.
"I know that, but do you have to use your tongue? Why don't you use a towel?"
"I don't have one with me. What's the big deal?"
"It's just disgusting. There could be all kinds of crap on that ball. Why don't you just lick the ground?"

He just rolled his eyes and shook his head as if I was the one being ridiculous. On the next green, he licked his ball again like he was working his way to the Tootsie Roll center. I didn't say anything about it to him again. I mean, who am I to question a scratch golfer?

I have since played with several golfers who lick their balls clean. Recently, I tracked down a course maintenance person and told him about this phenomenon. He informed me that there are indeed many toxic substances on a golf course that could cling to a golf ball. Fertilizer, weed killers, pesticides, and animal guano are just some of the awful things one may ingest from a soiled golf ball. He confirmed that it was not a good idea to lick your balls clean. In fact, he thought it was downright dangerous. Apparently, it's quite a common practice in Ireland.

So please, let this be a warning to you or someone you know who may suffer from this nasty habit.

Birdie Kim - Good Game, Bad Name

It was another unbelievable finish at the 60th U.S. Women's Open at Cherry Hills. Again, the USGA managed to make the best golfers in the world look like amateurs playing a corporate scramble event.

Sunday turned out to be a major choke-fest as the hottest names in women's golf fell by the wayside. Annika, Wie, Ochoa, and Creamer all crumbled under the U.S. Open pressure. One name on the leaderboard that I expected to blow up big time was the unheralded Birdie Kim. The only thing is, she didn't. She pulled a Michael Campbell and played clutch golf all day. She capped it all off by firing the only birdie on the 18th hole to win by 2 strokes over amateurs Morgan Pressel and Brittany Lang. Truly amazing stuff.

But the whole time, I just couldn't stop thinking about her name. I mean "Birdie Kim" sounds more like the daily special at my local Korean BBQ restaurant than someone's name. Was her Korean name really "Bo-Dee," but it was butchered into English by someone at Ellis Island? Were her parents just nuts? My mind was racing for a logical explanation. It turns out that her given name is Ju-Yun, but she changed her name earlier this year. She explained that "...there are a lot of Korean names in the LPGA. They all sound similar to mine, so I wanted something different, something simple and easy."

That sounds like a weak excuse to me. I think what actually happened was that someone once told her about the old adage, "you have to make a name for yourself." Somehow it must have gotten lost in the translation from English into Korean and she literally made a name for herself.

OK, that's fine to make your own name, but why the heck would you make it "Birdie"? What's wrong with "Jennifer", "Mary", or "Jane"? If you want to go more exotic, there's always names like "Madonna", "Angelina", and "Paris". According to Ms. Kim, "Birdie is good in golf and it's good for me. You get a good feeling when you make a birdie. Everything is nice. Everybody likes that name." Well I don't like it. In fact, I think that it's ridiculous.

The only good excuse that I can come up with for giving herself such a laughable name is that she made a deal with the Golf Gods. My guess is that they promised to bless her with golfing success if she changed her name to a golf term.

To some, that theory holds merit. Many golfers are so desperate to play well that they would change their name to something bizarre in a heartbeat if it would endow them with golf prowess. I just hope that this doesn't start a trend. Birdie Kim along with "Eagle" Inkster and "Albatross" Ochoa would make the LPGA sound like a wrestling federation.

I better take a careful look at my birth certificate. Based on my golf experiences, I have a strong suspicion that my parents originally named me "Bogey."

Annika's Grand Slam Quest, Can Wie Stop Her?

Early last week, I watched "Whale Rider" for the first time. The movie is set in New Zealand about a young Maori girl who becomes the leader of her people. I didn't think much of the movie, but I now know that it was really just the Golf Gods sending a message to me about the 2005 U.S. Open at Pinehurst. I mean, what are the chances that you watch a movie about a Maori rising above all odds and then several days later a real one accomplishes a similar feat at the toughest golf tournament in the world? Congrats to Michael Campbell on a masterful performance. But enough with the men, it's now time to focus on the ladies.

Annika Sorenstam has been dominating golf this year like no one else in the modern golf era. She is even eclipsing the supremacy of Tiger circa 1999-2000. Here are some of her amazing LPGA stats so far this year:

• Most wins with 6 wins in 8 starts
• Most top 10 finishes with 7 out of 8 events
• Best scoring average of 68.6
• Best GIR percentage of 75.3%
• 2nd in Putts per GIR of 1.72
• Most eagles with 7 in 30 rounds
• Highest average driving distance of 274 yds.
• Most rounds in the 60s with 22 out of 30 rounds
• Most rounds under par with 26 out of 30 rounds

These are simply mind-blowing stats for anyone who plays a game as nutty as golf. The bottom line is that Annika is winning 75% of the tournaments that she starts.

Annika is now halfway through her quest to become the first woman to win the modern-day Grand Slam. She breezed through the first 2 majors of the year, leaving little reason to doubt that she won't continue likewise through the last 2 majors.

When I try to think of some names that could pose a serious threat to Annika, I draw a big blank. Unlike the PGA Tour where there are the "Big Five," the LPGA really only has the "Big One." There's simply no one else in the LPGA playing at the same level as Annika right now.

But I do think that someone outside the LPGA has a legit shot to upset Annika. That person is the amateur phenom, Michelle Wie. Quite impressively, the 15-year-old has two runner-up finishes in four LPGA starts this year. She came the closest to beating Annika at the most recent major, the McDonald's LPGA Championship. Michelle is playing her best golf and is primed for this week's U.S. Women's Open. While she has all the talent to rain on Annika's parade, she may not have the experience (nor the putter) to do it in a major. I can't wait to see how it all unfolds, but in the meantime, I plan to catch a flick or two. I'm really in the mood to watch a movie about a young Hawaiian that stuns the world. Any suggestions?